bang bang bang

new apartment failure number 1,000,000

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 15:15:11 GMT

so for the last million years we've been trying to move into a new place, and today i thought we struck absolute, positive, gold. i saw the ad in the paper, called the manager, he laughed at my name, and all seemed pretty good. the building looked fine, though a bit old, but all its tiny bits of rickety, graffitied "sketchy-ness" were more charming than alarming. we were escorted to the second floor and let into a poorly locked BALLROOM. the place might be 3 or 4 times bigger than what we have now, just absolutely huge. bedroom, giant living room, kitchen, bathroom, (with bath!) walk in closet, giant balcony, $800. we kept giving each other high fives when the guy wasn't looking. i haven't been that exited in years. millions. it even had a mountain view. WHAT.

we went down to the lobby to fill out the application, and as we were doing so, this guy comes in with a pit bull, who is trying to maneuver its way out of its collar to growl at us. the thing is on its hind legs, freaking out, frothing at the mouth. the guy seems pretty out of it, apologizing dully and using one hand to drag the beast away from us. i'm not a dog hater, but i hated that dog. that dog could have easily killed me in a fight.
we finish applying and the manager comes down and basically says we can move in whenever we want. (!!!) then he gets this really intense look on his face and says, "But there are some things you should know about this building...." and i got all excited because i thought he'd say it was haunted or something. but instead he informs us of the 10 crack dens and 1 meth lab contained within the building, that the city is trying to do something about. he chuckles something about the building blowing up someday, a-ha-ha-ha, and then says we need to sign an agreement to not sell drugs within such-and-such feet of the building.
we go home and look up the address, only to find 3 reports of bedbugs, cockroaches and rats, and a long newspaper article on this building, how just last december people were moved out of the stairways and how previous tenants frequently return to the building with old keys and rob and molest the rooms behind the locks that never change. even pit bulls were cited in the newspaper as reasons why that building SUCKS to live in if you're some priveleged middleclass kid who reads the newspaper but doesnt know anything about anything and definitely couldnt take on a pitbull in a fight.

so we're not moving yet. the end

whoa

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:50:51 GMT

oh my god i feel like SHIT TONIIIIITE

humidity.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 19:30:14 GMT

Oh, new years. I forgot to make a resolution. But I did remember to spend my morning blowing things up with dynamite, and my night drinking rice wine, covering myself head-to-toe in glow in the dark non toxic paint and running around the house getting stoned and looking pretty. I had a good new years, but tonight is when the crash happens. I'm just about over it.
They make noodles the way noodles need to be made, here.
And last night I made bright green alphabet spaghetti and watched slasher movies until the jetlag put me to bed. Banana pudding breakfast.

Happy Holidays. Leave me wordlove.

back on the internet

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 12:24:12 GMT

This past week was the absolute greatest ever. I got drunk with my best friend of all time, stole some maggot-filled oven mitts, pissed under a bridge, and survived a dangerous shopping trolley crash on a busy road at 4 in the morning. Ate so many marshmallows. Enjoyed ecstasy several notable incredible and love-filled times, painted the word "hello" 38 times in 4 different colors across a friend's living room wall with my bare hands and chemically-enhanced artistic brain, (much to their dismay) watched tourettes guy and klaus nomi videos, (respectfully) and spent a morning hungover, naked, in bed with matt eating cold samosas and watching footage of car crashes. We also got drunk, held a seance, trashed his communal living room and beat up his skinny roommate for shooting me in the face with bullets made of leftover pizza. Was this the best week ever? It most certainly was.

Pictures?

Meh. I'm lazy. Go enjoy my facebook again.
http://hampshire.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014156&id=22702021

I realize these pictures are only from one night, probably the most tame of the nights, but...ta-da. Me and the boy making messes.

I want to go to Thailand.

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 20:40:48 GMT

pals only.